Jan 28, 2009 | How to
You’re at a self-checkout register at the grocery store and among the items you’re buying is beer or wine. You scan the barcode on the beer or wine but can’t progress through the check-out process until an attendant verifies that you’re legally old enough to buy it. In your case, verifying your legality requires not careful scrutiny of your identification – doesn’t require you to produce any ID at all – but barely half a glance from the attendant standing 25 feet away from you. Before you realize that you’ve been stopped mid-checkout, she’s already pushed the override button. On your way out you pretend to not see the sign that says “We ID anyone under 40.”
Jan 28, 2009 | General
There is a new coffee drive-through place in town, the name of which is Kick’n Coffee. Their logo appears to be an ass kicking a cup of coffee. Maybe it’s just me, but I have a hard enough time not wearing my morning beverage even without the help of a donkey kicking my cup. I don’t drink coffee and so am not too familiar with coffee culture, which is why I appreciate their tagline that is helpful for people like me, people who might otherwise drive circles in the parking lot in a state of confusion, wondering just exactly what Kick’n Coffee is selling: Kick’n Coffee: Coffee With A Kick.
Another coffee-related note: There was yet another robbery at a coffee stand, the kind that requires their employees to wear bikinis to assemble and serve coffee drinks. Naturally, the baristas are typically under 22 years old and not unattractive. A TV news reporter interviewed the owner, who looked to be in his mid-30s and not so much not unattractive. Even though he was at home, he was able to call police as the robbery happened because he has, “for security reasons,” a Web cam set up in the tiny coffee stand. They showed the footage, again and again, of the girl in the bikini and Uggs getting robbed. The camera angle suggested the camera was high on the wall, the better to survey the inside of the 90-square-foot building. Probably just a coincidence that it also provides the owner with a round-the-clock bird’s-eye view of his employees’ cleavage.
Jan 24, 2009 | General
It truly is a new day in America. We don’t usually get this sort of personal information about the relationships between our presidents and their wives. About 0:09 in. “Physically bonded to one another” indeed.
Jan 22, 2009 | General
The phone rings:
What’s my password?
For what?
The Internet, I guess.
To be of any assistance I’ll need a bit more specificity.
What are you trying to do?
I want to buy those things and it wants a password.
Ah. That helps.
Jan 21, 2009 | General
When C1 was about four years old we were at a family gathering. A few of us were in a boat, driving down the lake to the gas dock. We were making the kind of small talk you do when with relatives you don’t see very often and don’t know very well. The cousins in my generation were beginning to have children of our own, so we at least had that in common. I don’t remember what the impetus was, but at some point I told a cute little story, the kind of story every first-time parent has: Our sweet-faced, good-natured son used a swear word in innocent conversation. I don’t remember the details, but something along the lines of “Please pass the damn ham.” You know, kids say the darndest things and all that. Captain OCD used to say, “He’s going to swear in front of your parents and they’re going to think it’s my fault!” Goddamn right they will.
Nary a chuckle out of my cousin’s husband. He began to tell a similar cute-kid story about their son, around the same age as C1 (first – and only, at that point – children for both of us). They were at a birthday party and cupcakes were passed around, with every child taking one cupcake. When the plate got to their son, he took two. My cousin and her husband were horrified that their son had been so selfish and greedy, traits that were entirely out of character for their kind and generous child. They asked him why he took two cupcakes: “Because you’ve told me that Jesus is always with me, and I thought he would want a cupcake.” His palate-cleanser of a story left no doubt that we had different definitions of cute.
Jan 20, 2009 | General
I can’t get CNN.com’s live feed to load, but the Facebook status updates running alongside the empty video box are loading almost faster than I can read them. Among them:
DAM!! MICHELLE OBAMA LOOKIN HELLA FINE IN DAT FIT!!!!
I do so love the Internet.
